An Interactive Adventure: Dungeon Master

[JackAlsworth]

I don't think I've ever had banoffee before. Clearly we must try it.

==> Gorge yourself on the banoffee.

[Dryunya]

==> Jump on the table and roll in pies, screaming "IT'S ALL MIIIINE" on top of your lungs.

[Krika]

=> Slip a few pies into the dumbwaiter, and lower it down so it looks like it's in use, then run down to the Dungeon and enjoy the results of your pilfering.

[Qara-Xuan Zenith]

==> Stick your face in the oven, to see if there's an even fresher pie in there.

[Victin]

==> Stick your face into a painting that looks very much like a pie

[narrativedilettante]

Selecting...

[narrativedilettante]

1. The apple pie, so long as it's warm and covered in ice cream.
2. Gorge yourself on the banoffee.
3. Jump on the table and roll in pies, screaming "IT'S ALL MIIIINE" on top of your lungs.
4. Slip a few pies into the dumbwaiter, and lower it down so it looks like it's in use, then run down to the Dungeon and enjoy the results of your pilfering.
5. Stick your face in the oven, to see if there's an even fresher pie in there.
6. Stick your face into a painting that looks very much like a pie

The Random Number Generator has chosen 3.

There are SO MANY pies here. You couldn't possibly just eat a bite out of one at a time. This is your once chance, for once in your life, to have whole table of pies to yourself. "IT's ALL MIIIINE," you scream. This might draw attention, if it weren't precisely what the King screams every night during his midnight snack rampage.

You leap onto the table, trying to touch all of the pies at once, feeling their creamy texture cover your face and your hands and your Dungeon Master uniform. It's all great fun, until you slip off the table and hit your head.

You open your eyes what feels like a few seconds later. Everything hurts. A castle guard is in front of you. He says something. At first you don't understand.

You get up. When you move your limbs you feel extra resistance. They're all covered with pie filling, and it's hardened into a sort of crust. The guard speaks again.

"-under arrest." You can only make out the last part of what he says.

"Do we have a new prisoner?" You mumble.

"Yeah," the guard says. "It's you."

He takes your keys and marches you down to the dungeon. He locks you into an empty cell and leaves you there.

Well. This is a turn-up and no mistake. The jailer is now the prisoner. You wonder where the King will find a new qualified Dungeon Master.

What do you do?

[Qara-Xuan Zenith]

==> Reach through the bars to get the key that the soldier left in the lock.

[Victin]

==> Notice how the King put an unqualified Dungeon Master to work while he can't find a qualified one.

[RussetDivinity]

Cry

[JackAlsworth]

==> Attempt to enlist the aid of the Dungeon Prankster.

[Dryunya]

==> Lick off the pie crust. You don't want to waste the good stuff.

"IT's ALL MIIIINE," you scream. This might draw attention, if it weren't precisely what the King screams every night during his midnight snack rampage.

I died at this point.
I kind of want to see some more of the King after those few times we saw him. Pretty sure we will anyway...

[Krika]

=> You'd be a terrible Dungeon Master if you couldn't get out of your own cells. Unlock the door and resume your duties!

[narrativedilettante]

Selecting...

[narrativedilettante]

I kind of want to see some more of the King after those few times we saw him. Pretty sure we will anyway...

The King's behavior is informed partly by the tone and content of the suggestions, so give yourselves some credit for him being an enjoyable character.

-------------------------------------------------

1. Reach through the bars to get the key that the soldier left in the lock.
2. Notice how the King put an unqualified Dungeon Master to work while he can't find a qualified one.
3. Cry
4. Attempt to enlist the aid of the Dungeon Prankster.
5. Lick off the pie crust. You don't want to waste the good stuff.
6. You'd be a terrible Dungeon Master if you couldn't get out of your own cells. Unlock the door and resume your duties!

The Random Number Generator has chosen 3.

This is the worst thing that has happened to you since you became a Dungeon Master. It might even be the worst thing that's ever happened in your life, but you don't quite think anything could top all those worm bites that summer in the orchard. You've lost your job, you've lost your freedom, and now you're going to have to watch some shlub come in and do the work that should rightfully be done by you.

Dungeon Masters don't cry. That's one of the rules of being a Dungeon Master; you're not allowed to show any emotions whatsoever. But you are no longer a Dungeon Master.

You curl up in the corner of your cell and sob to yourself. You hope the other inmates don't hear you, but that thought doesn't make you keep any quieter. Someone in your position can't afford to alter their actions based on the perception of others.

The tears sting as they leave your eyes, dissolving some of the sugar and juice and cream and whatever other pie ingredients are solidified on your face. There's pie getting into your eyes, and that just makes everything sadder so you cry harder.

Eventually you stop crying, because you have no more tears in your body, or because you've used up all the emotional energy you had, or because you maybe actually feel a little better after crying for hours and hours. Whatever the reason, you finally calm down, and fall asleep.

You are rudely awakened when someone knocks insistently at the door of your cell. You open your eyes, bleary and bloodshot, to see what's going on. Oh no. This is the last person you'd ever wanted to see.

Who is it?

[JackAlsworth]

==> Gerald, from Accounting.

[Dryunya]

==> Your mom.

[Victin]

==> Your rap-loving neighbor

[Pixelmage]

==> Gerald, from Accounting.

(Yes, I'm submitting the exact same option for added odds of it happening. )

[Krika]

=>The new Dungeon Master.

[eli_gone_crazy]

==> Gerald, from Accounting.

(Yes, I'm submitting the exact same option for added odds of it happening. )

(I am doing the same because I love this)

[Qara-Xuan Zenith]

==> It is a Girl Scout who would like to know if you will buy some chocolates/ cookies for charity.

[narrativedilettante]

Selecting...

[narrativedilettante]

1. Gerald, from Accounting.
2. Your mom.
3. Your rap-loving neighbor
4. Gerald, from Accounting.
5. The new Dungeon Master.
6. Gerald, from Accounting.
7. It is a Girl Scout who would like to know if you will buy some chocolates/ cookies for charity.

The Random Number Generator has chosen 3.

...But you know what, I really like the Gerald, from Accounting answer, and clearly others do too, so I'm gonna do that one as well as the one that was randomly selected.

"What do you want, Gerald?" You spit out at the intruder.

"I came to resolve some irregularities on your latest tax return," Gerald explains.

You groan, turning around so you won't have to look at him.

"I'm afraid it is quite urgent," Gerald goes on. "The time period for alterations is almost expired and you may be issued a penalty if-"

"I keep telling you, it doesn't make any sense for me to have to pay taxes when my whole salary is paid BY taxes!"

Gerald sighs. "And I keep telling you, the tax code is more complicated than that."

You crawl into the corner of your cell, where it's hardest to be seen from the door (you know this from your vast experience as a Dungeon Master) and curl into the fetal position. You aren't prepared to have this conversation just now, because the thing about Gerald...

The thing about Gerald is...

You're secretly in love with him.

And it's super embarrassing, because Gerald is short and mostly bald and wears clothes that fit so awkwardly that even covered in pie you probably present yourself better than he does, but you love him anyway.

You're pretty sure no one else knows. You act annoyed every time you have to talk to him, and it's not all fake... Gerald really DOES get on your nerves, but mostly because he's so smart and knows so much about accounting and you always feel like an idiot when he tries to explain why you're wrong about how some complicated financial law works. You get defensive and start lashing out at him and he just stays so calm and sometimes you wish he'd act like he has a single personal failing so you can be sure he's human.

A single personal failing besides looking like a dorky slob, that is.

"Go away, Gerald. I'm already in the dungeon. It's not like they can penalize me even further." You're somewhat proud of that last sentence; it sounds like the sort of thing Gerald might say.

"Okay, just... Just give these forms a look-over when you get a chance, okay?"

You hear the sound of something being slid under the cell door, and then footsteps as Gerald walks away. Then there's silence, aside from the distant shuffling of the dungeon's other prisoners. Hours pass.

And then, there's noise again. Obnoxious noise. Loud, horrible noise. It's the noise of a boom-box playing rap music right outside your cell door. You jump to your feet and run to the door, nearly tripping over the sheaf of papers that Gerald slipped through earlier. When you look out, you can just barely see your old neighbor, leaning against the door to your cell, boom-box right next to him blasting those horrible sounds.

"What are you doing here?" You growl. Somehow, he hears you over his music.

"New Dungeon Master let me out!" He cheerfully responds. "Says I'm a model prisoner. Got me a boom-box and everything. Won't let me upstairs, though. Anyway, she's great!"

"The King hired a new Dungeon Master already? Who is she?"

"That lady who used to follow you around all the time. It was so funny! You'd be like, whoah, is she behind me? and you'd turn around but she'd duck so you didn't see her and it was the best."

No. Oh, no. Nonononono. The Dungeon Prankster is the new Dungeon Master? You are not equipped to handle this. The thing about the Dungeon Prankster...

The thing about the Dungeon Prankster is...

The thing about the Dungeon Prankster is not that you're secretly in love with her. She's horrible and no part of your annoyance with her is pretend. The thing about her is, she was never out to get the Dungeon Master, in general. She was always out to get you.

You, specifically.

The Dungeon Prankster holds an unending grudge against you, and the King kept her employed all those years for reasons you couldn't fathom, but it worked out okay because she wasn't allowed to leave the dungeon and you could just go home and be rid of her at the end of the day.

But now, you're her prisoner.

The woman who made it her life's ambition to show you up now literally holds the keys to your freedom.

You need to sit down.

What, exactly, do you sit down on?

[Endless Sea]

==> The newly-assigned Dungeon Master, of course! Although why she was pretending to be a chair is beyond you- that's a little weird, even for her usual pranking standards.