Watch the Footage

==> You miss the first part, but the last one says "you have 30 seconds to comply".

Selecting...

1. He wants to ask you out.
2. That minion's body will trigger an ecological disaster if you leave it here!
3. . - .... .- -. / .-- .- ... / ... . -.-. .-. . - .-.. -.-- / ..-. .-. --- -- / - .... . / - .. -- . / .--. --- .-.. .. -.-. . --..-- / .- -. -.. / .... . / .-- .- ... / ... ..- .--. .--. --- ... . -.. / - --- / .--. .-. . ...- . -. - / - .. -- . / -.. .. ... .- ... - . .-. ... / -.-. .- ..- ... . -.. / -... -.-- / -.-- --- ..-
4. You miss the first part, but the last one says "you have 30 seconds to comply".

Random number generator says... 2.

You groan and are tempted to ignore Kayak-Man, but since you actually care about the environment unlike some mad scientists you could mention, you have to stop. "Oh, come on!" you call. "Can't I leave him with his family? Doesn't he deserve at least that?"

Isn't the environment more important than a dead man's wishes?

You sigh and sit down. He's got you there. After all, you built a whole robot to help clean up the environment while you went on your rampages, so it would be rather hypocritical to cause an ecological disaster the day you finish it. In fact, that robot is just about the only good thing that's happened to you today. "Well, fine," you mutter. "What sort of disaster, out of curiosity?"

The man has been aged prematurely. His body is now poison to the environment.

"But then won't he cause a disaster anywhere I put him?"

Pfft. You're not sure exactly how Kayak-Man manages to make Morse Code disdainful, but he just has. Like I care about anyone else. I just want the oceans protected. The land is your problem, leg-person.

You're about to shout that he knows very well your name is not leg-person, but then Kayak-Man turns and rows away, vanishing into the horizon. You flop back onto the grass, only just avoiding cracking your head on the robot's foot, and wonder what you're going to do with Ethan's body.

What are you going to do, anyway?

==> Convert it into fuel for your ecological robot.

Shoot his body into outer space, no environment for it to ruin there.

==> Send him into the past. Let the past you handle it as payment for having fun at the Fondue Fest at your expense.

Guyshane wrote:Shoot his body into outer space, no environment for it to ruin there.

I second this, but with the added qualifier that he be shot into the SUN, because that's the best possible burial anyone could receive.

==> Throw the body into the sea anyway, then develop the purifying agent and sell it to Kayak-Man at markup.

==> Put him in a jar and then into exhibition. Everyone must see how much of a great minion Ethan was.

Selecting...

1. Convert it into fuel for your ecological robot.
2. Shoot his body into outer space, no environment for it to ruin there.
3. Send him into the past. Let the past you handle it as payment for having fun at the Fondue Fest at your expense.
4. Shoot his body into the sun, giving him the best funeral ever.
5. Throw the body into the sea anyway, then develop the purifying agent and sell it to Kayak-Man at markup.
6. Put him in a jar and then into exhibition. Everyone must see how much of a great minion Ethan was.

Die roll says... 3.

You can't think of any way to handle this yourself without causing devastating consequences. That means there's only one thing to do: make him someone else's problem.

You haul Ethan's body back into your robot and march on home, pausing only to flip Kayak-Man a robot bird. You really hate that guy.

The trip home is surprisingly quick, mostly because you already have a clear trail caused by your rampage toward Fondue Fest. You do your best to avoid stepping on any of the rescue crews. Most of them are very nice people, and you don't want to be that jerk that squished a fireman. You'd rather be the one who gave the firemen fireproof skin. Maybe that would be a good birthday present for the fire chief. It would be a complete surprise, but that would only make it a better present. You make a note to find out the chief's birthday so you can arrange a party.

Everyone is surprised to see you home so early, but when you tell them about meeting past-you and having to seal off the space-time rift, they understand and help you unpack Ethan. Until now, you hadn't really been sure whose problem to make him, but now that you've told everyone what happened, you know exactly what to do.

"To the Space-Time Rift Opener!" you shout, and everyone races off to Lab 76. Once there, you open a controlled space-time rift that's connected to past-you, who looks to be having a great time at Fondue Fest. That asshole.

Two of your minions wheel Ethan's body over to the rift and dump him in. If you've set it up right, he'll land on top of the other Ethan's body and become past-your problem.

"That solves that," you say, dusting off your hands and closing the rift. Just at that moment, a second space-time rift opens, just above your head, and something falls out, landing at your feet. What is it?

A kitten

=> Ethan, but inexplicably alive.

==> A sampling of fondues from the festival that you missed.

==> An invitation to a masked ball

=> Kayak-Man from the past, coming to destroy you for causing an ecological disaster caused by a complex chain of events starting with you sending Ethan's body to your past self (who never got the warning you did).

==> The cheese you used to fill the hole in space-time

==> A strongly worded note from past you.

Selecting...

1. A kitten
2. Ethan, but inexplicably alive.
3. A sampling of fondues from the festival that you missed.
4. An invitation to a masked ball
5. Kayak-Man from the past, coming to destroy you for causing an ecological disaster caused by a complex chain of events starting with you sending Ethan's body to your past self (who never got the warning you did).
6. The cheese you used to fill the hole in space-time
7. A strongly worded note from past you.

Random number generator says... 3.

A line of fondue pots lands at your feet, and you recognize some of the labels as people who would have been at the Fondue Fest. Somehow, you were sent a sampling of fondues! It's a mystery, but before you can solve it, you have to throw an office party. You send the minions out to gather as many things to dip as they can find, and a few others help you move the pots into Party Hall 7. Someone starts some light classical music, and everyone takes a break to change into proper surprise fondue party attire, as stated in the employee manual.

Part of being a good mad scientist is being prepared.

You meander the party, pausing to chat with some of the minions as you eat. Daniel's kids are doing well at the company daycare, though he's worried his youngest is a bit too law-abiding for him to tell her everything he does at work. Anna's mother recently got her a new ferret, which she named Cheese-Face. You're rather proud of the girl's sense of humor and promise to put a ferret-proof shield on the fonduer. Maddie has been dragged up here by her girlfriend, and she whispers to you that she would much rather be working on the robot, although the plate of assorted meats looks delicious.

There are all sorts of things to dip, and you find that cheese dipped in cheese fondue is exquisite. You declare the afternoon to be free for a celebration, and once all the food is gone and the Party Hall has been cleared out, the employees head home to spend time with their families and perhaps give Ethan some sort of memorial service. You would join in, but your work is not yet done. You need to find out why the cheese is here. It was delicious, and likely not dangerous, but you're curious about how you got exactly what you wanted.

Fifteen hours of rigorous testing later, you think you have the answer. Why did the cheese appear?

=> Past you was doing you a favor.

==> The cheese is sentient, and it longed for you

B-Baka! It's not as though... it's not as though cheese-san wanted to be noticed by senpai anyway. >////<

==> Because sometimes good things just happen to mad people. Thanks Lady Luck!

agoraoptera wrote:B-Baka! It's not as though... it's not as though cheese-san wanted to be noticed by senpai anyway. >////<

I want to pick this, really. But I can't help proposing mine...

==> The Eldritch Horrors from The Hopeless Void Beyond Time found your cheese delicious, and want to establish a mutually beneficial relationship.