Watch the Footage

Being a mad scientist is a pretty good life. After all, you get to break the laws of physics on a daily basis. And if that weren't enough, you also get to instill terror into the local countryside. Granted, it sometimes gets a bit old when people faint on seeing you approach, especially if you just need to ask directions or tell them happy birthday, but at least your minions like you. You've given them good reason to: the health plan includes dental.

Speaking of minions, one has come rushing up to you right now. You recognize him straight off -- the mark of any good employer -- and set down your dread glass armonica to give him your full attention. "What's the matter, Ethan?" you ask as he pauses by your lab table, out of breath.

"It's -- you'll hardly believe it." He glances over his shoulder and shudders, pale with fright. "My God..."

"What is it?" you ask, snapping just a little. After all, it tries your patience somewhat to have to pry answers out of terrified lackeys. After all Ethan's seen, there shouldn't be much to scare him.

"It's... it's..."

Well, what is it?

The giant wolf-shark hybrid has escaped, and is currently terrorizing a nearby fishing village looking for food!

A little girl who just WILL NOT stop staring.

Well you know the room full of dimensional gates? A few of them interacted and spawned a kind of....a sort of....it resembles...it gives off a feeling of.....Look we have no idea what it is but its puking puppies up everywhere. At least we think its puking. They're definitely puppies though.

"It's-It's Gerald! From accounting! He says we're broke!"

==>The cheese has gone off

Selecting...

1. The giant wolf-shark hybrid has escaped, and is currently terrorizing a nearby fishing village looking for food!
2. A little girl who just WILL NOT stop staring.
3. Well you know the room full of dimensional gates? A few of them interacted and spawned a kind of....a sort of....it resembles...it gives off a feeling of.....Look we have no idea what it is but its puking puppies up everywhere. At least we think its puking. They're definitely puppies though.
4. "It's-It's Gerald! From accounting! He says we're broke!"
5. The cheese has gone off

Random number generator says... 5

If your dread glass armonica hadn't been already sitting on the lab table, you would have dropped it, and it would likely have shattered into a thousand pieces to wreak havoc on Barefoot Fridays. "My God, man, are you sure?" you gasp, grabbing Ethan's arm for support, though he looks no steadier than you feel. "Which one? The cheddar? The gorgonzola? Not the Roquefort?"

"All of it," he says, looking near tears. "I had the interns go through and test them."

"And?"

"They're gone. The cheese, not the interns," he adds quickly. "A whole fridge of cheeses, wasted, and with us just days from Fondue Fest."

You release Ethan's arm and begin pacing. "There must be something we can do. Can you get an emergency shipment of Roquefort in? If nothing else, we must have some Roquefort."

"I'm afraid the caves where they store it have flooded. There won't be any more Roquefort for months."

You curse and slam your fist into the lab punching dummy, which lets out a very satisfying squeak. You can't go to Fondue Fest without any cheese. Then it hits you. Of course! You'll just have to...

Go to the cheese dimension.

Accelerate time in a localized area in order to turn milk into cheese in a matter of moments!

==> Use chocolate fondue instead of cheese

==> Synthesize the cheese from orphan tears and a particularly inept intern.

Selecting...

1. Go to the cheese dimension.
2. Accelerate time in a localized area in order to turn milk into cheese in a matter of moments!
3. Use chocolate fondue instead of cheese
4. Synthesize the cheese from orphan tears and a particularly inept intern.

Random number generator says... 2.

You snap your fingers and turn to Ethan, hope restored. Of course you know what to do. Why didn't you think of it at once? "Ethan, fetch me some milk. I'll be in Lab 31." Ethan nods and heads off.

Five minutes later, you stand beside the engine of the time accelerator, putting the finishing touches on the repairs you would have made a month ago, had it not been for the incident with the noodles. Ethan enters, bringing with him a gallon of milk, which he sets on the platform directly in the way of the accelerator's accelerator. He then takes out a little packet of fungus and sprinkles some onto the milk. This is why he's your favorite: he always thinks of the little things.

"Ready when you are!" he calls.

"Then let's do this. We'll show those judges that cheese is really made from science!" You laugh maniacally and throw the first switch. The engine begins to spin, which is how you know it's doing science. "You might want to get out of the way!" you call before throwing the second switch. Lights begin to flicker, and sparks fly from the end of the accelerator. Hoping Ethan's quick enough on his feet to get out of the way in time (he has passed all his physical requirements for being a minion, after all), you throw the third switch and laugh again as the accelerator speeds up time directly in its path. Soon you will have the best cheese in the world, more than enough to win the Fondue Fest.

Then the lights go out. The damn thing must have blown the fusebox again.

When the backup lights come on, you see that the only things in the room aside from you are a gallon container of the finest cheese you have ever seen and the aged, withered body of Ethan. It's hard to tell, but you're pretty sure he's dead.

Oh, dear. What are you going to tell his family?

==> "He died doing what he loved. Trying to take over the world."

==> You forget his family was part of the village on one of your testing sites. Fortunately, giving your condolences to inanimate coral is much easier.

"I'm sorry for your loss. Please accept this gift of homemade cheese."

==> "He died doing what he loved.... Gerald the accountant."

==> You're a mad scientist... death isn't a barrier to you. You can easily bring him back to life, all you need is a little bit of this, and that, and maybe about 1.21 gigawatts of power...

Tohrinha wrote:==> You forget his family was part of the village on one of your testing sites. Fortunately, giving your condolences to inanimate coral is much easier.

Seconding this

Selecting...

1. "He died doing what he loved. Trying to take over the world."
2. You forget his family was part of the village on one of your testing sites. Fortunately, giving your condolences to inanimate coral is much easier.
3. "I'm sorry for your loss. Please accept this gift of homemade cheese."
4. "He died doing what he loved.... Gerald the accountant."
5. You're a mad scientist... death isn't a barrier to you. You can easily bring him back to life, all you need is a little bit of this, and that, and maybe about 1.21 gigawatts of power...
6. You forget his family was part of the village on one of your testing sites. Fortunately, giving your condolences to inanimate coral is much easier.

The die roll (I get to use a die!) is... 6.

Oh, right. He doesn't have a family. At least, not anymore. Ethan lived in a seaside village that you used for a test, and the village is now completely underwater, with all its inhabitants having been replaced by brightly colored coral with the ability to track down anyone who pollutes in the area and feed them to laser-sharks. The experiment was a success for the environment, but rather less so for the families of those involved. You gave them generous bonuses as recompense for their loss, along with tickets for an ocean cruise. A coral reef won't be able to do very much with money or apologies, but you could at least send a nice fruit basket. You're pretty sure fish like fruit, and if they don't, that's easy to change.

You can have one of the minions handle that, and an intern will clear out Ethan's body and arrange for a funeral. Perhaps he ought to be sent out with the fruit basket so he can rest with his family. A skeleton might make a nice addition to the reef. In the meantime, you have a Fondue Fest to get to.

The cheese tastes as delicious as it looks, though you only let yourself eat one bite. After all, you want to leave some for the festival, and you'd rather not have to go through this again. There's only a limited supply of milk in the company fridge, and you don't want to lose another minion because they're not fast enough to get away from the accelerator. You bring the cheese to the kitchen, cut it out of the plastic container, and put it in the fonduer. Other participants might have fondue pots, but you have a handmade fonduer that can turn absolutely anything into a fondue, as you discovered to the delight of science but the dismay of little Anna on "Bring Your Kid and Their Ferret to Work Day". Luckily, it cleans far more easily than normal fondue pots, and it wasn't hard to get the ferret fondue out and into the fridge for the staff potluck later that week.

You fondue the cheese, put a little sticky note on the bowl saying "Fondue Fest: Do Not Eat", and head back to your lab to finish your experiment on the dread glass armonica. There should be just enough time to get some work done before the festival.

What were you going to do with it, again?

Discover the frequency that instantly vaporizes all listeners.

Learn how to play a wraith's wail, or whatever the equivalent on the dread glass harmonica is called.

==> Try to make a glass harmonica that plays heavy metal.