This is the one where teenagers are awkward and Zi is adorable.
The city was in something of a state this evening. Which was no surprise, the city was almost
always in some State or another. The only difference this time was that people, against all odds, seemed to be getting used to it.
The earthquake had struck when Tamar was on the very edge of what he was currently talking ‘the Loremasters’ Wall of Death Prevention’. He had no idea what on earth they had done to create such a shield, but it had held the town together like a basket weave. Some odd instinct had told him this, when he reached for Echo after the barrier rose and found there was nothing to fight. The power had shivered across the fields surrounding the town, and something of Asha in the back of Tamar’s mind had helpfully informed him to
riun, run as fast as you can because this is not a thing which can be fought with steel.
Tamar figured it was probably best not to ignore the instincts of a woman who had been comprised of magical energy. Whilst Asha was indeed very much dead, it seemed that something of her had remained besides power: something slightly stronger than memory, but not enough to be real. Every now and then it would churn out quasi-useless tidbits of dead languages Tamar knew he rightly should
not understand. At that moment, it had been screaming Admonitio, monitio currit: “Warning. Run.”
So he ran. He got back within the walls just in time to feel the pressure of magic: earth and air and the cracking of stone, slam into the ground just behind him, and that had been that. Soon as he figured out what it was, he had volunteered, but there was little they could do with him, what with his entire magical ability being confined to a sword.
So instead of being remotely useful, Tamar had gone in search of people. Anjali. Hector. Pretty much
anybody who might have an inkling of what happened while he was outside of the city walls. He got distracted helping people move a bit of rubble about at some point, but most buildings had remained structurally intact, thanks to the barrier of... of whatever that barrier was.
Like always. You’re a few steps behind, Tamar.
In the end, he headed for the library. It seemed like the most like place to obtain information, after all. The books were there. The Loremasters, from what little he’d scraped from the locals, had been the creators of the shield. Logically common sense and logic were probably to be found there. Although it had taken him a few hours, what with stopping to help people move stuff and directing them to churches, so by the time he reached the library, evening was closing in, casting patches of black into the streets like funeral shrouds.
When he stepped within the library gates, he didn’t see somebody running right at him until they were suddenly crushing his spine. In fairness, he had been
really in the stratosphere that time. Whoever they were they were short, and strong, and dressed in dark colours in the twilight. Also they had...
Oh...
Okay, that was... different.
And they were
twitching , too. Just like real ears... like a fox or maybe a fennec. Well, that was certainly a sight right there.
Tamar had no idea who it might be and managed to wheeze out a question. “U-um... hello there miss? Erm... not to be rude but... miss you're sort of crushing me a little, do you mind telling me what the problem is?”
“There are so many problems, Tamar,” Eliziya said, pulling away and staring up at him soulfully. “For one thing, I’m so sorry.”
...Oh you have got to be kidding.
“...I... wait,
Zi?” Tamar gawked. He would probably have tried to get a better look at her but she
was still latched around his waist. Still, even from this angle, he could still make out her face, complete and pretty and perfect in every way as usual... if with eyes that were slightly brighter than they ought to be. And furry ears. And... yep, that was a swishing tail, right there. “Zi is that you?”
“I admit,” Zi looked away and coughed. “I look a bit different.. But yes, really, it’s me. It.. It’s good to see you.”
Tamar took a second before squeezing back and feeling grateful that the darkness probably hid the lovely shade of red his face was turning. Neither his own dialogue, nor any of the strange, ancient words Asha’s memory had left him with, seemed appropriate to describe this, but ‘adorable’ came pretty close. “Okay... Zi, not that I’m not happy to see you because I’m really happy to see you. But what in the name of the seven saints happened?”
Zi’s face flushed furiously and she tugged on her ears. “I knew it, you’d think I’m a freak. There was some.. accident just now.. I was with Marcus and then there were these little cows the size of my hand and... Tamar, don’t think too badly of me, please,” the girl pleaded, a hint of tears appearing in her eyes.
...And now she’s doing
the thing again, what did Kain call it? Right, the ‘low self esteem’ thing. Tamar did not want this. This was the absolute last thing Tamar wanted. In fact the thought of Eliziya considering herself to be anything other than the cutest thing that had ever walked the earth (except now with fluffy ears, which... really just kind of enhanced the whole image when you looked at it) was in his mind, as big a tragedy as the death of the last Fallen Saint. Possibly even more so. Nobody paid attention to saints as
people after all, they were just these vague conceptualisations that people prayed to now and then, but Eliziya was... well, Eliziya.
Also fluffy.
’Don’t pet her ears, don’t pet her ears...’.
‘W-what do you mean think badly? Why would I ever think badly?’ He tapped an ear experimentally. It twitched, quivering. “...Those are definitely real, aren’t they? How on earth did you end up with them? They're adorable!”
That last bit wasn’t supposed to come out as loudly as it had. Or at all.
The girl stood rigidly, drawing herself to her full height- unfortunately she was now even shorter than she had already been. “Don’t lie to me, T,” she said suspiciously. “You.. you don’t think it’s.. unnatural? Strange? An abomination?”
Tamar wasn’t sure if she could see his face in the darkness, but he did his best to school his face into an expression that got across just how ridiculous he thought that idea was. “Why would you ever think that? It’s... it’s magic, Zi. Magic’s not an abomination. It’s just... it’s us. This is you, you’re Zi, and you look completely
fine.’ He paused. She did not seem convinced by his admittedly inaccurate wording. ‘No, better than fine this is... okay this is actually kind of cool.’
Ah.
That was the word he was looking for.
“Really? Do you really think so?” Zi looked up at him eagerly, then hugged him tightly again. “Thank you, T. Thank you. Thank the saints. I’m glad you’re okay.”
...
So adorable. Tamar had not had much of a frame of reference for adorableness until the day he met Eliziya. He was glad to have been informed on a subject in which most of the people he interacted with were woefully uninformed. Clearly they all needed more Eliziya in their lives. ‘What, you didn’t think I could take care of myself?’ Tamar smiled, hoping he got the right amount of amusement into his voice.
“It’s not that,” Zi held onto her ears again, then very consciously stopped doing so. It was becoming too much of a habit, and it probably looked ridiculous. “I haven’t seen you for.. for a long time and then the earthquakes and.. and anyway, I’m glad you’re okay,” she finished lamely, then jerked her head to the side, snapping, “Oh shut up you, you promised to shut up!” Then Zi turned back to Tamar and smiled weakly, “Ah.. anyway.. How’ve you been?”
About million times better than I was ten minutes ago. “It’s fine... I’m fine, Hector’s fine... e-everything’s fine. Have you seen the rest of the guild? I was out of town when that...
thing came down. Echo was like a tuning fork for a couple of minutes. Was that Earth Stabilisation magic? It felt like an Earth elemental, but I’m not sure, it could’ve been air, or... what is it?” Because at some point the look on her face had ticked him off to something, and her ears were now.. a great deal more expressive than they normally were. “Zi?”
“The rest of the guild…” she muttered. “I.. you didn’t see.. Jules.. Julius is dead. Tamar?”
It was amazing how quickly a sense of joy could drain away from you.
“Tamar.. are you okay?”
The words Eliziya spoke didn’t... make sense right away. Not in Tamar’s language, and not in any other of the dozens of fragments that Asha had left him . It was an impossible thing. Like thunder in the sunshine, or the empty space where Asha’s face should have been. It didn’t make sense because it was about
Julius and Julius was not, and could not ever be dead. He couldn’t be.
The message board had
made a mistake... “Jules? Zi, he can’t... you must have heard wrong, it... the notice board was wrong, Zi, it was…”
But the look on her face held more truth than anything Tamar had ever seen; the kind of sombre acceptance that you saw in every healer who had seen this pain a hundred times before. It was the same look he saw on half remembered faces the day he’d been forced from the castle. The same look he’d seen on Hector’s face when he told Tamar his former name. “How?” Tamar whispered.
“It’s name is Shardreach, I think. I don’t know what it is.. But Julius had these.. metal.. tentacle.. things.. but even that couldn’t help. Shard.. broke his neck. Then Shard started the earthquakes. Anji buried him and.. Speaking of Anji,” Zi shifted uncomfortably, “did you know she’s married?”
This was, perhaps, the last bombshell Tamar was prepared to take, and it was fortunate that he was still hanging onto Eliziya because if he hadn’t, he had a strong suspicion he would be on the floor by now. The guilt was boiling up inside of him, but with the dullness of liquid ice rather than flame. Julius had died and Tamar hadn’t been there. Twice. The second time for real. Zi had been here, alone and scared and he hadn’t been there. Anji had...
Well, alright Anji had been Anji, and Anji could cope with anything including, apparently, marriage, but that somehow wasn’t helping Tamar one bit right now.
He hadn't been there. ‘Can... can we go inside or something?’ he mumbled.
“T? You don’t look okay..” Zi tried to feel his forehead, but she could barely reach it. “Do you want to sit down a while? I think we should go back home.”
He was not alright. Julius had died and he hadn’t been there. He hadn’t done a damn thing about
any of this. He was very much not okay. The resonance of his own failures was like a gong pounding inside of his head. But feeling that and admitting it to Zi who probably... really needed him to be okay and fide and not a complete
screw up, were two very different things. “I’m fine...” he swallowed, and tried to say that again. “I’m fine, just... inside, please?” Now?
Zi didn’t say a word, instead embracing him as much as she could, even going so far as to curl her tail around his back. Pulsing fire magic interspersed with healing radiated from her and seeped into him, soothing and comfortable.
Tamar had no idea how she did that, but it always worked. Even now it deadened some of the pain and terror that had merged together in his chest and were trying to escape... somehow. He had no idea how a feeling like that would ever get out. But the worst things about it was, perhaps, that it wasn’t entirely grief. That there was something worse and selfish burning underneath it that he knew he deserved.
He found himself clutching Zi like a lifeline as she turned them in the direction of the library gates, seeming eager to get away from the building as soon as possible.
“T?” Zi spoke up after awhile. “Could you come with me to a tailor tomorrow?”
The change of topic threw him completely, but perhaps that was exactly what he needed. Probably, that was exactly why Eliziya had said it. ‘I... yes?’
“I need umm.. new clothes.” Zi shook her tail. “It’s a little… uncomfortable, with the base pressed up like that. But any lower would be.. indecent.” Again, aside, she snarled, “Stop giggling!” Then she turned back to Tamar. “Do you know any tailor who could help, any seamstress?”
Tamar thought about this, dim memories of Hector dropping the cape, practically on his head. He sought for the name he had given him, for the place. It was all a bit muffled in his head. “There’s... there’s Kendall. In the main square. I think...or near the church? One of the two. She made this,” he tugged the side of his too-long cape with a free arm.
“Oh, so she does custom work, goody. I.. saints, I’m embarrassed even thinking about showing myself there like that.. Praise the saints it’s dark now. I feel soooo furry,” she said, scratching her own ears. “The ears- my ears- are so soft. Oh hush you, I’m adorable, shut up, you promised.”
Tamar blinked. It took another long moment to catch on. ‘Um... I... promised what?’
“Sorry, um, I don’t mean you, T. I um.. I.. I er…” Zi lapsed into awkward silence, then abruptly burst out. “I’ve avoided you for so long because I was scared, T, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have.”
Tamar stopped dead in the middle of the road, pulling her to a stop with him. He was not all that sure (or in all honesty caring) where they were. Had she been scared of him? Of what had happened in the mountains? ‘...Scared of what?’
“I didn’t want you to see me like… well, not the ears, that was just today, but I.. there’s..” Zi stumbled over her own words. “Ever since I returned Anji’s memories, I’ve had this.. I’ve had a… I’ve got this.. this thing.. in my.. in my head.” Her voice dropped to a whisper. “I’m not crazy, Tamar. Please believe me.. they all think I’m crazy, I know they do, I’ve seen the way they look at me, but I’m not, really, please believe me, I’m properly sane, I’m in my right mind, I’ve got all my humours together.” Glancing at her tail, she laughed wryly. “Though I can’t say that this tail isn’t quite mad..”
...Honestly, the tail was probably the least insane thing about all this. It was also very stabilising right now. Suddenly it made sense why animals had them. Voices in her head now... well, that wasn’t so strange, was it? What was different between the silent voice of Asha whispering from the past and a living thing whispering in the here and now? Perhaps he should have had more questions but... somehow Tamar couldn’t think what those questions would be.
“Zi,” he rasped. “There’s nothing... you could say that would make me think you’re crazy, okay? Nothing... L-look, my best friend is a reformed mass murderer with a literacy problem and... And I think he may quite
possibly have a death wish? I just... I don’t know, but I really feel I kinda deserve the benefit of the doubt here. You’re not... crazy. Not unless I am too.” Stupid stammer, why did it happen at the worst possible moments?
“You.. what?”
“We’re not crazy,” Tamar whispered. Somehow this felt louder than if he were yelling it. Neither of us...” the words came. He spoke them without thinking. “
Condemnant quod non intellegunt.”
Zi stared at him, her ears twitching. “I.. I’ll just repeat myself. What?”
...Okay, switching to dead languages, clearly not a clever move. “I don’t know it just...felt right. It means... they don’t understand it. People don’t understand, so they call it crazy, Zi. It doesn’t fit so... so they call it crazy. It’s... easier.” He paused.
“Uh….. I don’t.. think.. that’s quite it. I mean, yeah, they don’t.. they don’t understand what’s going on but.. hearing voices is kind of.. I know what crazy is like, T, I’ve been there before, remember? You hear things sometimes and you do things that make sense, but after you brought me back to myself it didn’t make sense and.. Look, the point is, this is a bit different. Something like crazy, but not.. quite. The voice- one only- is in my head and it’s.. Shut up, damn you, I’m trying to concentrate, please shut up! Ugh. S-Sorry T. Yeah… It’s kind of like that, except that it doesn’t want to leave, and I can’t afford to have it leave.” Zi’s mouth twisted into a grimace.
Tamar stayed silent for a very long moment. “Sounds pretty real to me... also, noisy.”
“Saints, oh yes, it is so damn noisy and so unfortunately real,” Zi agreed fervently, tail waving from side to side. “T says you’re noisy,” she glared at nothing, “and he can’t even hear you! Saints, won’t you just shut up?”
...Tamar hesitated. It felt as if somebody has shoved an army in his head and sent them to massacre something. He wanted to tell her that he hadn’t meant for this, that what he had been doing all these weeks had been important and yet what did it matter how important it had been? Julius was dead, and Zi had a voice in her head that wouldn’t shut up. What could have possibly been more important than that? Getting to floor six?
Screw floor six... But why would he have known? Tamar thought bitterly. Exactly how much attention had he been
paying to Storm and Drive in the first place?
And Zi... Zi was the most important thing he had ever known. During the brief period she had been completely catatonic, he left her alone because Anji had seemed to think that was important and because Anji was his Guild Leader and who else would know better than Zi’s own sister? But still... he had
left her. She needed him and he hadn’t been there, and now he just wished he’d stayed there every minute, to hell with whether Anjali or Kevin thought it was a good thing.
And if he’d done that, if he’s stayed close by, then perhaps he might have been there to stop any of this happening.
Well, maybe he hadn’t done all that, Tamar thought angrily. But Saints be damned, he could accompany her to a crow begotten tailor, and he could at least try to make the thing in her head stay quiet for a while. He was shaking like a leaf but he took her shoulders and turned Zi around to face him in the darkness. Her eyes were shining like a cat’s. He wondered if she could see in the dark.
“Seriously,” he said, looking right through Zi as best he could. “She told you to shut up. You’re going to shut up now.”
He said it with the same calm quiet tone that he had heard Julius use so many times. He was briefly struck with the pain that they would never hear that again.
Kissing her this time wasn’t like the last time. It was more of an instinctive thing. He pulled away just as quickly, briefly worried that he might have just terrified her or made it worse but... it had seemed the right thing to do at the time.
Even in the dim moonlight, her cheeks were a very obvious scarlet and Zi hesitated between kissing him again and hugging him. Tiptoeing, she realised she couldn’t kiss him without him bending a little, and decided to just hug him instead. Zi buried her head against his chest and shivered.
“You.. You looked like you were gonna kill me,” she squeaked after a long silence. “Don’t give me that look before you kiss me, damn it.”
Tamar held onto her tightly. “Sorry....” he mumbled. “I’ll... I’ll let you know the next time, if it’s not you I’m really talking to.”
“Am I crazy for shouting at a voice in my head,” Zi asked, giggling slightly. “Or are you crazy for talking to a voice in
my head?”
Condemnant quod non intellegunt, Tamar thought again, running the words over in his mind. Perhaps it was true, perhaps it wasn’t, but he wasn’t entirely sure if that even mattered, not for this exact moment. Perhaps, in the end, nobody ever really understood anything. “I... I honestly have no idea,” he mumbled. “Why don’t... let’s just find the Tailor tonight... and we can figure it out in the morning.”
“T…” she put her hands on her hips, ears flicking. “Don’t you think it’s a little late for tailors? I can bear a little discomfort. At the worst, I can always bare a little..” Zi laughed delightedly at her little joke, then pulled him on by the hand. “I can’t believe I waited two months and in the end, all you really wanted were my lips,” she teased, eyes glittering with mischief.
And in spite of everything, in spite of all the voices, both present and remembered, in spite of all the deaths, Tamar found that he could laugh as well.
“Come on, T, let’s go. You should meet Anji’s husband and besides,” she smiled wickedly, “we should pull a trick on my sister for leaving us out from the wedding. When we get to Anji’s place, pretend my ears and tail were always there.”