Watch the Footage

Write a completely original Badass Boast. It can be for a character that exists in some sort of fiction (if so cite your source) or can just be a completely random thing that just sounds cool. Enjoy.

...Y'know, I almost felt that.

*opponent gets one-shotted*

I'm so manly, I punched out a bear that punched out Chuck Norris.

My mother isn't a gecko

I am going to kick your ass so hard with my rifle, YOU WILL WAKE UP DEAD IN SPACE, WITH YOUR LIMBS SHOT OFF, HALF OF YOUR SKULL TURNED INTO POWDER,YOUR OWN INVERTED CROSS SMASHED THROUGH YOUR BRAIN, AND YOUR HEART REPLACED WITH A TIME BOMB!- The Wild West Pyro before doing just that to the Antichrist.

Like living? Too bad.

So I guess you do want to play.

Whom am I to destroy you? Let me tell you. I run a small place called the Coffee Room, in there I tower over people whose abilities would make the Greek Gods blush. I milk Cthulhu to obtain a drink mix so potent it would cause a sun to go supernova and create a black hole that would suck in all of reality at once. I am the he who is called by the title Demonic Coffee Shop Owner, I am the one chosen to act as a kind over chaos and anarchy. I am that which made nonexistence cry out and terror and created all of reality by simple existing in this period of time. THAT IS WHO I AM, AND THAT IS WHY I WILL DESTROY YOU!

You think you can win? That's good. That makes one of you.

I'm gonna make like a banana and split...you in half.

I don't care if I die now. I don't care if I go to Hell. I don't care if I just cease to exist.

*beat*

But I'm taking you with me.

...you're challenging me? Heh, that's ironic, I was actually just trying to convince my friend about how dead men can't talk. Guess he won that bet.

So, you said were all Satanists, right? WELL, LET'S SEE HOW YOU LIKE HELL!

Historical Badass Upgrade:

How Theodore Roosevelt won against Chuck Norris:

Teddy: I'VE WRESTLED MOOSE WITH MY BARE HANDS AND SLAM DUNKED 180 ELEPHANTS IN ONE DAY, AND DIVIDED BY ZERO AND LIVED! AND I'VE BEEN SHOT IN THE CHEST AND LIVED! I'M A ROUGH RIDER AND I'VE SEEN MORE BLOOD AND GORE THAN YOU! AND ALL YOU CAN DO IS A PUNY ROUNDHOUSE KICK! I'VE KILLED BEARS MANLIER THAN YOUR FILTHY CHEST HAIR! AND NOW I'LL CHISEL MY OWN FACE INTO MOUNT RUSHMORE AND BEAT YOU TO DEATH WITH MY OWN STONEY MOUSTACHE!

Chuck Norris: .....

Conclusion: Teddy Roosevelt is my historical idol, and is the most badass US President EVER, and therefore wins this battle, because HE ACTUALLY DID BADASS STUFF IN HIS LIFE. Chuck Norris does badass stuff....IN FACTS THAT ARE PROBABLY FAKE.

( Talking to Cthulhu)

Wild West Pyro: YOU MAY BE A GOD, BUT YOU GOT YOUR BACKSIDE RIPPED OFF AND FLUNG IN YOUR TENTACLY FACE BY A METAGUARD AND HIS SMARTPHONE!

Challenge me? Clearly you have very poor decision making skills.

Y'know, there are easier ways of committing suicide.

I know you won't stay for long, but please, do enjoy the time you have.

Trust me: You won't live to regret this.

See that grave over there? It's yours.

Is this a wholesale syrup auction? Because I'm afraid you're in a sticky situation now, my friend.

Your yo momma jokes were good. But now, it's your turn to say goodbye to yo mom.

Please, I defeated you ten minutes ago.

I AM GOING TO SHOVE MY FLAMING LASSO UP YOUR POOP SHOOT AND PULL IT OUT, WITH YOUR ROASTED GUTS!

YOU DARE BULLY ME? I AM GOING TO GIVE YOU ALL MY ANGER AGAINST YOU!!!

( Then, TWWP all the Nazis, including Hitler, except the good ones, like Rommel and the guys who plotted to kill Hitler.)

YOU CALL YOURSELF THE MASTER RACE? LET'S SEE HOW YOU LIKE TAKING A SHOWER-IN HELL!

( Disarms all of them, burns their weapons, then ties them all up with flaming lasso and herds them into their own gas chamber, then locks the door and proceeds to make them feel the pain of all the Jews, dumps the gas in, and sets the place on fire.)